Grace for being Conscious

I should woken up in the morning.

heard the birds chirping.

feels thankful to the Owner of the

Earth for letting me alive today.

well . . .

I should. but it’s not should be

done.

Not today.

Really not today.

Grace For Being Conscious

The music was playing so hard. as I remember some glasses of wine was already empty. I should take a shot. just a shot for warming my cold body. but I didn’t do it as my beloved girl seemed don’t like for me to do so.

afterwards, I was keeping myself busier. was letting this body move while some eyes might be staring at every step I was taking. I am such a fragile body, yes I am. so I decided to took my seat instead. I still could see smoke lingering the room. the RnB music still made my head and legs moves here and there.

I saw many poker face. I saw many my beloved girls was dancing a great dancing. beau Girls don’t care the eyes was watching over the moves. but that’s why these girls are lovable.

Then was sitting beside me another best girl. trembling. feeling cold of the coldy air. ah . . some men offered her a drink. offered an interesting story that anyone could hear, including me.

Time had passed we didn’t know just gone by like that. I still sit. watched all over the room. heard the music while was moving my body according to the melody.

a man was standing in front of me I didn’t realize. then he sit, asked my age. “how old I could be?” I was asking him to guess. he gave me 25 till 15. I just laughed instead. wondering why people guess me younger old older. never hit the real. or I am not real maybe?

it was my first time I said to him to be in this kind of place. he didn’t hear. or to be sure he was not willing to hear.

he gave me snap. after he broke it into some single pieces. he gave me the small part.

seeing myself didn’t really react. he gave me another piece. it was big piece, I know. I took it and pretend to swallow it. but I failed. he got me cheat.

it was so bitter. I said to him innocently. he asked me to take my glass of water and swallow it. then it was.

I believed my body will not react. my body is already the place of medicine. why should I react with this one?

seeing myself didn’t really react. he gave me another piece. it was big piece, I know. I took it and pretend to swallow it. but I failed. he got me cheat.

it was so bitter. I said to him innocently. he asked me to take my glass of water and swallow it. then it was.

I believed my body will not react. my body is already the place of medicine. why should I react with this one?

the minutes after that. I went to the bathroom, hoped for vomiting. yes I felt I was like to. but it didn’t.

didn’t know what to do. the man seemed like stare at me analyzed if the snap worked out.

but I still was a normal body. I took a shot then. was warming myself from the temperature which become cold and cold.

I was still a normal body when the other man came to me and said that the beloved girl love me so much, gave the command to take care of me, not coke me for red wine nor beer.

but I’ve already took a shot of the bloody wine. and I felt just good. warm. as I used to feel after taking another shoot of vodka.

an hour might passed. I felt numb..

it’s never the same as the book I read. nor everything more clear even the carpet brushed . not. never

even the ladies laughing is something nothing.

I felt cold, warm and numb.

I keep pinching my cheek, hoping I would feel the pain. but it was a total vain. I couldn’t feel anything. my phone was like the cotton. so light.

my vision was blur. I thought about crying instead. but it was not helping at all.

it was hectic. it was sad, it was not me.

but after an hour I am back to be a normal person again.

for me, being conscious in the most precious thing. I like to feel the pain on my knee, I like the way I feel my skin touch anothers’.

I like it that way, love that way.

All Things Must Pass

Hi Pals,

I am now sitting still with the full anxious face. wondering why today has been being so tricky upon me. and guess what, I use british still to let you know that it is not the end yet. not about I will end up the day with a nice sleeping beauty posture and done the day.

remember my last posting on 5^th September. it maybe the last positive body, mind and soul was writing such a texts on the blog. at the day after the day, I realized and slapped of the biggest mistake I ever made. I make a dog’s food on my company house ceremony.

i know it’s a total balls up I make on them. I give up. can not retrieve any good position as I ever feel before. I feel aware lost of confirmation. maybe the day the world psycho was at hand underneath the sleep blanket of mine.

I started sleep on the floor, even couldn’t touch my food at all for three days.. my family support me. I even am getting closer to everyone in my family also as in my broading house.

every single moment has its own goodness and badness. yeah, it is..

but I just never be the same as the old me.. I become paranoid.

this day, this Thursday I got a miraculous quote when I was surfing on my flixster. got a new movie slide to watch and it’s true enough.

“The Matter is NOT About What You DID, but WHAT YOU DIDN’T” –THE IDLES –

it freeze me enough. yes. I shouldn’t be afraid to do something. I always become so shy and so absolute that everyone could think the same thought as me. but it’s false and I am learning so much from the incident.

it’s been a nail on my foot this two months. I feel torture psychologically. I just can’t stop praying for a miracle and have been thinking about flee someday.

sometimes in this life. no matter what we do, it just can’t change even the small part, even it’s small as a sand.

but unknowingly. our character is change greatly.

we have to through it folks, face the problem no matter what.

I will survive till the end too.

I don’t wanna be the quitters that never win.

Falling makes me know what is Rising

.

I will also fight again for tomorrow. I will try face even the very worst possibilities could come after me makes me like chop chop the life and feel being torture.

I have to stand up all. feeling the pain until you know that you can’t even lift your last finger and realized you are helpless.

but thank you there’s a listener.

and there’s another people to compare with.

the last words for today is

“FAITH IT, till you DO IT.”

Sympathy Of Egoism

Ladies and gents,

I’m not going to talk about how mortality is increasing nowadays, nor about the toddler who was hit by two vehicles nor the sudden death of the Moto GP Athlete. No, not of them. Im fully understand that death could come any times by any ways. Sound like the way of Love comes, isn’t it?

We just can’t fully overprotect ourselves and BANG!! We save.

Also we can’t just borderless fully borderless and BANG!! We die.

But it will not be a sin if we try our best to live a better life in a careful ways. Take care ourselves and live a healthy life.

Off of it. Right now I’d like to say about sympathy.

For me, humanity chain of relationship is created by needs.

Because I need you to lend me some money then I come closer to you

Because I need you to accompany me to a prom, so that I ask you.

Of course it’s such a clear sentence to show the example. (and you also could change it to the contrary)

But don’t you think about this, something more egoist, something more outside your box, maybe outside anyone’s boxes.

Because :

I need you to smile to me so that I smile to you.

I need my sight to be cleared on the road, so I would like to put aside the toddler who has just hit by the vehicle

Or at least I need my way become clean so that I would like to throw the garbage onto the trash.

Don’t people like for being a king? Then why don’t you be a king today!

but, with yourself as a servant also.

Don’t you know when you treat yourself beautifully, in a special way and luxurious. Maybe others, no no no. it’s absolutely! Others will do the same to you!!

Waw!

Look likes a Politics of Expancy, isn’t it?

King = You

1^st Servant = You

2^nd servant = maybe someone on your family. But it is not YOU!! Wonderful!

3^rd servant = anybody.

You can’t see it clearly? Okay..okay..

Let me give an example of very two gossipers, A and B

One day A is going to prepare a dinner for the class. B is A’s assistance. Then they come up with a conversation

A : the dish is sure so delicious. But it’s so sticky of the chocolate Pie. It’s keeping dirty the side of the plate when I put it on.

B : well we should try to make it any good then for the next plate.

A : Okay then. For the a little dirty plate. May we serve it for Anita (maybe Anita is your friend)

B :Okay good. She never take a serious problem with it.

A : and the other dirty plate for XX ? (this is you!!)

B : no, we should not give it to XX. She always do everything clean and clearly. So it maybe annoy her and it will make a bad impression.

See?

This is what I mean. People will do what you usually do. This is could be called as a sympathy. The reaction of something happened among us.

People nowadays sure lack of sympathy. They think “my is mine, your is yours.”

I can not blame the development of technology nor the ways your parents rise you nor the environment treat you.

But don’t you ever think this life is not about you? It’s about something bigger beyond your imagination.

But if you couldn’t show your sympathy in a normal ways, that you react because your mind, your heart told you so. Because of love.

At least because your state of egoism. Because you feel it will bother you. Because you don’t like to see something mess up.

Try to give your sympathy with love, or at least with egoism.

Or if you are too busy for doing that. At least say “I can see.” And maybe it will improves to “I can hear.” Then “I can help.” Although it will be done with your own way.

But don’t let it be too late to do something.

Make every second of your lives counted.

I’m not a good kind angelic people. But at least I know.

Our life is too xoxo to waste.

Secret Recipe - Better Life -

Tidak, Tidak, kali ini tidak curhat atau bergosip. tentu bukan. -kenapa tidak berbahasa inggris?- ah, kali ini aku sedang mengambil cuti bahasa asing xp.

baiklah, aku sedang belajar membuat novel lagi. jadi bahasanya aku rubah sedikit, sembari latihan.

off to the topic.

merasa tidak bahagia sekarang?

merasa sepi? hidupnya seakan kosong?

ah, kalian terlalu melankolis. apalagi kaum hawa, mungkin hanya bisa cengar-cengir saat membaca kata "melankolis" . tidak mau mengakui tapi merasa . hahaha. tidak apa-apa, manusia memang begitu, suka menyangkal diri.

tapi jangan menyangkal yang negatif terus ya!

tidak mengerti?

maksudnya. saat melakukan kesalahan. mengaku salah, jangan menyangkal

kalau menyangkal yang positif. harus seperti orang tua di meja makan, bilang tidak lapar meski perut keroncongan, itu dilakukan agar anaknya dapat makan dengan tenang dan kenyang.

ah, sudahlah. bukan soal ini kok yang mau dibahas.

hanya sekadar tips saja. selama ini tidak pernah disharing kemanapun karena memang malas dan aku merasa semua orang harusnya tahu hal ini.

sudahlah. langsung saja :

# Temukan Apa yang benar-benar ingin kau lakukan di dalam hidup.

ini bukan tentang cita-cita. tapi visi, sesuatu yang lebih dalam. agak abstrak namun pasti dan dapat tergapai dalam hitungan detik!!

contohnya :

- aku ingin membahagiakan orang tua

masaklah makanan kesukaannya, berguyon dengan beliau dan mengobrol. buatlah mereka tersenyum bebas dan tertawa terbahak-bahak

maka Case is Closed

aku sendiri, keinginanku adalah membuat dunia menjadi tempat yang lebih baik untuk dihuni.

sebuah keinginan yang terkesan sulit dan berlebihan bukan? hahaha

tidak, tentu tidak. aku memiliki sebuah quote yang aku buat sendiri. ini aku jadikan pesan di buku tahunan saat aku lulus SMA

Karena bukan kamu yang hidup di dunia, melainkan dunia hidup di dalam kamu

oleh karena itu, rubahlah dirimu, pemikiran-pemikiranmu, perilakumu. jadilah lebih baik setiap harinya. paling tidak PUTUSKAN! untuk menjadi lebih baik setiap harinya. dan itulah yang akan terjadi. pemikiran baik menimbulkan perlakuan baik.

ini bukan NATO = No Action Talk Only

buatlah komitmen-komitmen kuat dalam hati anda untuk menjadi lebih baik. saat komitmen dan pemikiran anda sudah tercampur rapi, maka saat itu pula, saat anda melakukan hal yang sebaliknya. anda akan merasa tidak enak. otometikli, the case is closed.

# Jadilah nyaman dan batasi

membuang sampah pada tempatnya sangat menyebalkan, apalagi tempat sampah diletakkan tiap 10 meter. siapa yang mau menenteng sampah sejauh 5 meter atau sekian meter.

ah kalian memang pembual dan argumentator yang hebat!!

coba buanglah sampah di kamar kalian dan jangan pernah buang di luar. bagaimana rasanya? tidak nyaman kan? ciptakanlah sense of belonging pada lingkungan sekitar.

ayolah, jangan berpikir lingkungan itu seperti lingkungan sekolah, lingkungan rumah atau lingkungan umum.

scoupenya terlalu besar. coba katakan lingkungan tukang bakso, lingkungan wc, lingkungan 10 meter.

dengan scoupe yang kecil, manusia cenderung lebih merespon banyak.

buatlah batasan-batasan kecil, jadilah pahlawan bagi diri sendiri, bagi 5 langkah yang anda tempuh atau bahkan bagi kuku anda.

borderless is being border

(artikan sendiri, aku tidak mau postnya terlalu banyak.)

tidak, tidak. bukan malas. sudah ku bilang manusia kalau sudah lihat tulisan panjang-panjang, mereka keburu malas membaca!

# Lakukan dengan hati dan jadilah egois!

wow!! biasa saja. jangan heran dan mengkritik dulu. tenang-tenang

untuk ini aku berikan sesuatu yang abstrak.

jika kau melakukan point 1 dengan benar. maka kau pasti akan mengerti.

aku tidak suka membereskan kamarku, sungguh!! aku rasa akan menghabiskan dua malam lebih jika aku berniat membereskannya.

tapi sungguh aku tidak suka melihat kamar seperti kapal pecah begini. pakaian di lantai, di atas lemari, tv bercampur dengan buku dan sampah. ugghh

nyaman sih, nyaman-nyaman saja. kamar berantakan membuat nuansa tanda-tanda kehidupan. tapi kalau kacau begini sih sudah membuat nuansa tanda-tanda peperangan!

akhirnya demi kenyamananku (alter ego -egois tk dasar manusia) aku beres-beres. saat melakukannya harus dengan sepenuh hati untuk mencapai kenyamanan dan kepuasan tersendiri.

tidak bisa sepenuh hati?? buat border! border yang aku selalu pakai adalah

No Pain No Gain

kalau mau enak, harus susah. ini artinya kita harus punya trigger untuk menyemangati diri sendiri.

# Tangan Di Atas. Hati Di Bawah

bukan soal senam, tenang saja. ini mengenai mental.

mental seorang dermawan mendatangkan kedermawanan lain bagi diri sendiri.

banyak memberi membuat kau banyak diberi. ini hukum

ayolah, jangan berpikir materi. tidakkah kau tahu, senyuman seseorang itu lebih mahal harganya?

pengusaha sukses di barat sana pun (aku lupa siapa) berkata senyuman itu seharga 1jt dollar.

dan jadilah hamba bagi yang lain.

contohnya. aku tidak suka disuruh-suruh oleh kakakku. tapi kalau aku tidak mengerjakannya, dia pasti akan mengomel terus. kau tahu, mendengar ocehan seorang perempuan itu membuat telinga jadi panas tidak karuan, merambat ke otak dan seakan sebentar lagi kau akan jadi gila.

jadi untuk kenyamananku, untuk hidup yang lebih tenang. aku melakukannya.

tentu saja kadang boleh menolak. tapi ingat

Wajah Yang Kotor Bisa Dibersihkan, Tapi Hati Yang Kotor?

dalam segala keputusan, hendaknya kau berpikir dua sampai tiga kali. dalam segala perbuatan dan ucapan. jangan sampai menyakiti. karena jika kau melakukan point 1 dengan benar. kau benar-benar akan merasa tidak nyaman.

# other recipe

1. Buatlah List Pekerjaan satu hari. apa saja yang ingin kau lakukan dalam satu hari itu.

pernah nonton The Bucket List ? tontonlah dan tirulah. hiduplah seperti kau akan menghilang besok!

2. Jangan berbohong!

ini bukan tentang dosa (setidaknya disini) ini tentang bagaimana repotnya jika kau berbohong. sekalipun kau adalah seorang LiEXPERT. kau harus merancag semuanya agar menjadi masuk akal. dari kebohongan satu ke kebohongan lain.

3. Perbuatlah sesuatu bagi orang lain

kalau bahasa inggrisnya mungkin

"do something for others"

nah bisa lebih luas, bukan hanya manusia, tapi juga lingkungan dan yang lainnya.

jujur saja. bagiku, kalau sudah sangat suntuk. aku akan berjala-jalan sendiri. mengobrol dengan orang asing yang aku jumpa di jalan, menyapa atau memberi senyum. menyebrangkan kakek atau nenek, membawakan bawaan mereka.

wow!! menolong orang lain seperti merefresh otak. rasanya seperti menjalani liburan yang mengasyikan!

bukan sombong. ayolah, jangan mengkritik. bagaimana kalau kalian coba juga?

dan jujur saja, berbuat kebaikan pada orang yang tidak dikenal lebih membuat lega.

4. Menangislah!!

ini untuk terapi, sungguh. search google saja.

5. take a walk alone

6. berdoa dan tersenyum. putuskan untuk menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik setiap harinya, bukan! setiap detiknya!

7. kerjakanlah hal yang paling tidak ingin kau kerjakan

. ingat, asas kenyamanan dan egois ya!!

untuk berhenti memikirkan hal yang kita tidak suka adalah dengan cara menyelesaikannya.

8. bersyukurlah senantiasa.

9. Take Your Crazy Day

Day ya! bukan Days! jadilah gila dan nikmati dirimu sendiri. sukai apa yang telah kau lakukan. jadilah seorang narsisus.

Kasihilah sesamamu manusia seperti kau mengasihi dirimu sendiri.

God Has Been Knowing Human is full of egoism. jadi itulah yang Beliau sampaikan. at least cintailah dirimu jika kamu tak bisa mencintai orang lain.

apa? kau bilang kau orang yang rela berkorban? ah masa, coba jujur, di balik rasa rela berkorban pasti ada sesuatu hasrat egois yang mentrigger kan?

untuk disayang? untuk membuat orang lain tersenyum agar kamu tersenyum? ayolah...

==============

semoga ada yang membaca posting ini ya. atau paling tidak membaca 1 point saja dan menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik.

let's make a better place. start from yourself.

and becoz it's too many of yourselves. it is a possibility to change the world.

DECIDE

you life is too xoxo to waste.

Lakukanlah hal-hal kecil yang mungkin, lalu kau akan menemukan dirimu telah melakukan hal-hal besar yang tidak mungkin.

there will always be Ever in nEver!!

Let Me Have these Words

Happy Independence day, tho it's late.

On behalf of The Nation of Indonesia, The Land Of Pertiwi, The Land that have been being Declared its Freedom on August, 17^th year 1945.

The Land that had been won by the Partisan from Dutch and Japan For such a long torment and hardship of Colonialism.

On Behalf of the people of Indonesia, People who has a dream and hope for a better life, a hope for better future to let their main spring being risen in this land. People who fight everyday for making a better place to settle.

I am, the little girl that means nothing for you. the girl’s unknown whose voice doesn’t count.

here, beg for having a such short speech On behalf of justice, a word of dream which never be exist. a word that everyone pursuit like crazy in order to have the happiness.

we are, the Indonesian people, have been living in this country for so many times. we are the republicans, of which the pillars of it are By People, for People, to People - whose the voice should be counted seriously – have fought continually for our living.

we are due to choose the leader every five years and live under the reign of the Chosen one. we expect for the better life. the better food to eat, the better clothe to wear.

we live with hope day by day. we reckon our life to whom we’ve chosen.

now, im here to let you open your eyes. it such a waste to keep rely on a man. there’s no benefit of do some demonstration for getting justice. it’s totally false for doing many kind of for the Greater Good.

Silence.

first thing that we have to do. stay in the silence. build the foundation of Fighting Spirit.

Open Mind

let every knowledge of the earth flows to your mind, every differences, every moment that has been being happened.

Dream Visualization

think about it deeper. what kind of life you fight for, what kind of justice you wanna see.

then, Move and Create

Indonesian people, most of them stuck in a word “leader”. leader may has a choice, leader may create a good life for them, leader may bring them to the piece.

no, no, no, it’s not about it. it’s our life. it’s our nation. the simple thing to change our Faith is change ourselves.

the future of the nation is lay on the people decision.

people will lead the nation to the true identity of the nation itself.

stand, people. stop murmur, live borderless. it’s not the leader change the nation nor your faith. it’s yours.

do you remember what had been being happened on 16^th of august 1945? some people decide to Free the nation from colonialism. some people had declared the independence, some people had broadcasted it, some people decided to be free.

And because what some people had decided, there 17^th august ’45, declared as Independence day for Indonesia. not for some people. but for all the lands, even the small one, even the villagers, the newborn, the hinterland, who don’t even know what had been happened in their nation.

then we are, the independence people, today is standing in the independence nation. free to choose, to talk, to think. free to give our aspiration and free to refuse.

why we are still living borderless? why our lives overwhelm with the words “we are nothing” , “we are unseen” , “our voice doesn’t count”

go, walk, run, break the wall.

we can change our faith once we decide.

===================================================

The Decider

they decide to do something than messing around

they decide to live their lives and keep moving on

they know that their life is in their hand

they decide to win, and there they are, the winner

-pictures by google-

cause your life is too much xoxo to waste

Coins For Charity -Unschool Children-

the most important question is “What have you done for others?”

don’t you agree about this one.

well, I woke up in the morning and somehow realize. what I have done for others. how many people fight in suffering while I am dilli-dallying with my life. hip hop the life and enjoy many things that actually don’t necessary.

sometimes there’s a time when I think this life is so vain. full of vanity, many plays and filth. tho sometimes I always ensure this life is great. hence it’s better to always do the best everyday, with heart, with purity.

yesterday, a friend of mine, offered me for being a member in one of charity group “Coins For The Unschool Kid”

it makes me realize. many kids that used to be in school for studying but they can not do that or maybe some of them don’t want to do that.

again, I remember about the umbrella-boy I met when I was hanging out with my sister. it was a rainy day, rainy and windy.

my sister asked him if he don’t go to school at that hour. he said he couldn’t get to school, his family had no enough money for that, so he let his sister school instead of him. sometimes it seems pity to know this fact since our government looks like easy to spend money to build here and there. they build some skyscrapers in order to make a comfortable place to work. but let the important one just passed by.

it’s true some schools, maybe many of them in Indonesia look like a shack and sometimes placeless. the sky is the platform and the ground is the foundation. pity, yes it is.

so that, after knowing this is what really happened in Indonesia, a place that I really fond of because it’s view and people. I agree for being a member on this charity group. I hope it could be developed into a great charity group, since the government will not help at all.

Shopping (AGAIN) Wif the Girls

When the girl hear this magical word “SHOPPING” they will yell like crazy. smile like babies meettheir mommies. and maybe will jump jump. hahahaha

yes, shopping is the funniest and most relaxing activity for the girls, esp if they have a personal ATM Machine, you-know-who (but it doesn’t mean it’s good tho)

well, I’m here not to avenge the girl. im now in the boys side. wanna complain how annoying to walk the girls shop.

well, this is the story.

it was the fabulous weather in the morning, the air was good and the sky seemed friendly. it was not a windy day or cloudy day. just was a day.

I should had the appointment with my new buddy. and should had been in place in the morning, as I command beforehand to him.

but suddenly I had to settle some businesses. accompanied my best girl to the car washer and buy some painting. yeah!! that must be good. must be. I’d like to hang out with this one.

the car wash moment seemed good as usual. but when it went to find the paint moment, kinda itchy. wanted to flee somehow.

why? it’s because girls sometimes can not decide what they really want. they don’t have a plan before they go shopping. it’s totally dangerous. that’s why many girls nowadays become a businesswoman with a brilliant carrier (at least above the men’s) in order to fulfill their shopping line

think about shopping – go shopping –buy anything (I mean it! ANYTHING!)

no budgeting plan, no vision. just shopping for soul with a bunch of imagination.

and here we go, we planned. again. P-L-A-N-N-E-D to buy a can of green paint, we did find one. but girl is kinda unique, they looked another so may that they could find any better ones.

we saw four catalogs of color with many gradients. we saw samples and the label. (label is the another secret keys to shop)

okay then, we found another one for being “spare” . that if we don’t like the green.

after that, we suddenly stood in a bundle of wallpaper and wallpaper border, waw, amusing! amazing! yey yey yey

(are we here for being here? for this stuff? )

it ain’t. but girls may say this “do all at once” multi-tasking right?

I mean we had done what we had to do, then why we were still there?

because life is to much xo.. #bah CUT it up! time is precious. do the prior one. shopping and window shopping is great, but don’t be sunk. id like to walk you shop, I mean it, but sometimes if it go further to the imagination-shopping, mean no plans. I get knocked down. hahahaha

life is sure to much xoxo to waste.

Grace of being alive

Ya know, sometimes I found it totally black out. Yeah, the reason why I should be born, why-were-i-born

Everybody should has his own reason to be created by The Creator right?

But now I am looking to the moon thru my rental room windows. Have I been useful for humankinds?

No, no, it’s not about being a hero or something like that. It’s about have I created someone’s happiness with my heart, being pure and live in a total meant.

Actually, all I want is become someone that anyone could count on. Whom the shoulders are needed. The thoughts are heard and the appearance’s seen.

I wanna be a stranger but leave the mark after im gone. It’s okay for being forgotten tho, as long as when im there, I could smile happily with anyone, with heart, with no burden. Being really satisfied with the whole time I may spend with them. It’s a nice thing to help the other stranger and after that being nobody. A traveler. Time after time. Come and go. Satisfied and happy.

I wanna be a symphony for someone’s life. The lamp that they might need when sky reaches the dark. The arrival whom everyone long for.

I know my life may should be alone. But it’s not lonely.

You know, sometimes I always say to myself. You never can be lonely if you are just alone. From the beginning you are alone. Never feel the community, and become-unity with people. But sometimes I ask again to myself. Why I feel so lonely, lonely enough to kill me softly.

Ah, yeah! I yell to myself. It’s not the life I meant to be. I should be mingled. Force myself. And yes it is.. I go to the crowd. Found it sick when I feel lonely in the crowded. It won’t make me any better. Why should I do? Everybody is the stranger. They have a friend beside them to cry with, laugh with, share with. And still, I am here standing. Starred by them. They might think “why is she alone” , “what is she doing?” , “why she sat in the middle chair.” Yes I am… alone.. and the worse is, I am in the crowd.

I don’t wanna be alone. I wanna have anyone to share with, even the one is dangerous, I just want. So I start to speak to the stranger, shared a story while passing by. While watching a movie in the cinema. Made them think “who is she?” , “where is she from?” , and the most I want “it’s a graceful to meet her.”

And after that, I am in my rental room, was looking the moon thru the windows. The difference is, I smile, with my heart. Satisfied with what I do everyday, feeling grace for living in this world.

I am alive. And I have done something great today. What will I do for tomorrow, always have a hope. Life is Good -LG-

I am not empty anymore and being alone is something I looking for

Enjoy every single time with myself. It’s like I am dating myself.

And I have many stranger outside whom I can share with.

I love my life.

I feel I don’t have to pursuit the happiness anymore, because it’s in the palm on my hand.

I don’t have to live in the world anymore. Because the world lives in me, no matter I am alive or death. My appearance could be a beautiful memoriam lingering in the world. At least I think like this.

I wanna this life is total. All out. Pure and full of fight. Minimize all the bad thoughts. Start to think positive about every moment. Even being dumped and single is a funny things. A failure is an art. A success is a jackpot.

The world I looking for…

No life attached or border. All is about what’s within you. Heart. Love to stay or leave.

Because again, life measures in a moment, not a time.

Families, I hope I’ve be the best part you have.

Friends, I hope I’ve become the greatest memory would never be forgotten.

World, I drag you to my hand and heart. Happiness, I summon you to be around my life. Purity I create you to fill this bowl of my heart.

God. Thank you for making me your child.

Now I’d like to sigh, how great this life is…….

Until being vain is a sin.

My life to too much xoxo to waste.

Sorry Blogg - eerrgghh :(

Okay, Hi

i nu there's no one hi me back, there XP

no, no, no it's alright, all i wanna say is Sorry to my blog, actually i barely (shall) maybe (will) (but i dont want to-do-that)(maybe) have an affair wif "WordPush"

sometimes i found it boring to make a new post and sometimes i found it not-that-cute being blogger than a WordPusher..

im sorry again with this. but when i started to look for my "WP" themes, in order to make up my site, i just opened this blog and say "Oh Damn, my Blog is so cute somehow!!"

and here i am, blogging again xoxo..

having come to experience this moment. i think to attribute it to the humanity.

it's like

You Will Find Something is Worth after You Left It

There's always Ever in nEver

actually i never think my life is gonna go to this way..

don't you think why i learn biology, chemistry and other science like death man?

science is so real and so good.. my mind just keep working and couldnt get satisfaction until i meet the end.

i am more scientist than businesswoman, right? every step i take i always think about doing something crazy.. i am a lil bit crazy to see money and to see a cemical liquid so amusing.

yeah. i never think about gin or vodka..

i more curious about Formaldehid and Helium..hahahaha

but again, here i am.. mingling with some stuffs we call

"pin"

i barely dont have a time to see the potato box.

this life just goes in a way i can not even describe... i am more english than british, the other fact that makes me a lil bit shock too.. my ability just decrease..

i hope for a better me day by day..

doing anything with heart.. giving the best to others without neglect my happiness.. i believe what i desire will comes true.. ..it's better to changes because i decide to than change for other's happiness, since God say love the others as you love yourself, so i have to make myself comfortable enough..

i am change and i proud of it..

my job is to create your smile..

and to make you smile, i have to smile with my heart..

i wanna live without any regretion.. i wanna make every second counts.. i wanna create many moments,, because that life is.. a moment.. not a time..

i love you

thanks to anyone

Wanna know Why? Hold on. Come on

Hi! (again)

actually this day is such a messy day.. no no no.. not a messy day, but a messy hours...

i really hate wiseguy. really. and hate to beg to someone. when i ask someone to A, then u swear to do A, that's what u do!!

at first i have said. if i told you, u will do B. but someone always promise to do A due to take a role for being wise act!

the hell with that! that's why i just cant stand people. people is a bowl of lie and overact (me, include, maybe)

i dont really like to chit chat heart to heart. i listen more. but when you request me to talk openly, i demand for total listening!! no hero act!!

i dont like hero! i dont like you to gimme some good advice (on your mind)!! and watch this carefully! a dumpy ass is more wise than u could ever knew! good grief. even for what you demand i have to be suffer. hold that crap. then i go. demand as you like, mask like hell i am,,

Hope for thee

i Hope it could maybe someday there is someone who loves me because i lack of something. just like i ever been in love with my archangel. i want thee who may will be my someone someday loves me like i was being in love with the arcangel.

kill me,my other character dont. i could never live if my minus is outside of me..
kill the other me dont.. if i am the good is the heart, then i am the bad is the body. couldn't be separated because it was a trully human being natural side..

for avery day has gone by. thee who may will be the next make me try to kill, try to hate the bodu of mine. but i am as good as death to kill the body the bad of mine..

dont you know it will be so amazing to know i am not alone if i love myself? my good, my bad..

it's mu art of life.. being someday good, being someday bad... no other could bring the happiness to know i am so perfect in imperfectness ^^

Crazy duzz

i find it's suck to do something i dont like to do. why my life hasw to be messed up like this. i dont what i do and i dont like being pressed by other. it's like im pushed and dragged into the spider web that i cannot pass. i wanna be free. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE!!!!!!!

im losing my mind. wanna throw up. im sickening of this trap of them they had said for my good, not bad. i hate this

I GOT A JOB!!!

kinda nervous here... geez..wondering for becoming a flight attendant or a professional model,, well guess what?? im an entrepreneur now..

but it's okay right? experience to learn and chase what i am really wanna do at once..
it's like a pain on my butt to get myself unknowingly get this.

today has to be the day im off of my town.. but gezz again. i can't. my lil bro wanna see his GF. so i have to get out of town with him. on sunday. it's kinda itchy to think about it. i dont like to do something out of rule. out of schedule. huufffttt

what am i gonna say.. i couldn't do anything since i have to follow what the eldery say..


sorry to chill my heart out... i never want to do this but sometime i wanna have a medium to talk, since im hardly to find someone who like to listen to me..

ahh..then again i, twice.. day by day.. was draming about my death father.

first. i was dreaming about the day he died. but it's the other version. i saw my dad being stabbed by knife. i am the witness. but everyone didn't want to listen to me. they said i was crazy. so they decided to call a monk. the monk took a cellphone whose my dad always use. then it was becoming a medium to repeat (review as a video) the day that my dad being stabbed. afterwards, yes it worked!!

i saw again my dad being stab. then i cried aloud. i was mouning. i shouted, but nobody stopped the monk from the ritual. my family was waiting me outside and peek me, seeing me as i was just become crazy to see a video that they dont know what the title is.

after that, in the condition like i was being torture, i took the cell phone and ran away

weird dream...but the second is beseeming a reality

the second dream was showing how my dad so strict so cruel. i see my dad snapped at me and pull out his anger to me for being so snailly in taking a bath, so his guest can't use the bathroom. i never ask to dream about my dad....
but to know his anger and how th way he was angry to me.. an evil words and the way he want to beat me.. it's make me more comfortable......

Kind of Heels

Shoe Lovers, are YOU???!!!
yes! is that what im hearing now??

For a newbie in Heels' world. i got an information for you! before you got yourself to the store. it's wise to decide what kind of shoe you wanna buy and what kind of heels that convenient you the most.
of course woman could do anything for wearing the best beautiful slipper. but it's just not right to give people a weird show of walking if the heels you wearing doesn't suit you.

<> *shiver*

now ladies. rock on your feet!!

kitten heels,

are you an amateur?? if it's the very first time for you to wear a beautiful shoes as heels. this one is very recommended. comfortable and lovely. you can use it for working, partying of hanging out with your friend.

see kitten heels, here!


stilettos,

eemmm... you maybe such an expert for wearing this fabulus high and elegant heels shoe.
(i can't wearing such a heels for sure. i am such an amateur too. ^^)
this kind of heels is very perfect to bring you to an enchant ball room with a beautiful and pretentious gown covering your body. but this heels will be very-very annoy you if you wear this to a ceremony that makes you have to stand for many hours and it aint good for wearing in field work where you have to run.

are you kidding me!! never see what stilettos is? clik it here!


wedges,

yeah!! this type of heels. i like it the most. it's convenient and you don't get your tummy sore. trust me!
every heels like stiletto or kitten, even if it's so pretty sand elegant, but it get your feet sore! this one will overcome that matter.




platforms, block heels and pencil thin ones